Recently, Natalie and I noticed that there was a tiny breech in the eaves on our house where there appeared to be a few bees congregating.
We thought there must be a hive up inside the roof somewhere, but weren’t sure how big it was. The bees also seemed to be rather docile, so I didn’t really give them another thought.
I was putting out some trash and as I was going back inside the house, I felt a sharp pain in my left calf. It caused me to stumble as I was going up the stairs and I tripped my way into the sun room and landed on all-fours. My sandal had fallen off in the clumsy display and wasn’t in the room with me, so I reasoned that it must have fallen on the steps outside the screen door.
Being the coordinated individual that I am, I went to open the screen door, but kinda missed the latch, so the door didn’t open. This revelation didn’t reach my brain until my already flat nose was flat up against the glass and I could see my breath steaming up the window.
You may be asking, “what was going through your mind as this was happening?”
We don’t have to talk about that right now.
I managed to open the door, retrieved my sandal and then noticed a dull pain that quickly became a sharp pain in my left calf.
I remembered, as a kid, being stung and that experience seemed to closely resemble what I was currently feeling.
I went back inside the house and looked out the window to see that where there had once been a few bees that rarely moved, I now saw four or five buzzing around.
I recalled that the previous owners had left some hornet/wasp spray in the basement, so I went down to find it.
I’ve also heard that when you mess around with bees, you have to be ready to 1.) run yer butt off and 2.) have a secured place to hide for cover.
I donned my “run yer butt off” shoes and made sure the back door was unlocked. It would not do to spray the bees, get them mad and chasing me and then find myself locked out of the house. That would be Sucksville.
Once outside, I took a deep breath, pointed the bottle and let fly, expecting a spray of magic chemical death to spray out of the can. Instead, a stream of white foam shot straight in the air. I watched it go up and stepped aside as I watched it come down and land where I had been standing not 3 seconds prior.
“Cool!” I said aloud.
I calculated that I could stand roughly 15 feet away from my target, shoot a stream of instant death on my tiny foes and head for the hills.
I took another deep breath, re-adjusted my aim per my previous experience, and thought to myself, “FIRE IN THE HOLE!”
To say that the clump of bees fell on the ground would be an understatement… more like they… exploded.
They landed on the ground, DOA. A twinge of guilt struck my heart as I imagined what my Biologist friend, Erin, would think of my insecticidal activity.
Then I thought of what it would be like if a million mad bees came pouring out of that tiny crack… so I emptied the bottle into it.
“I guess that’s it,” I thought, as I went back inside.
Lenny the cat greeted me at the door with a look on his face that said, “do you have any idea what you just did?”
I patted his little head and said, “daddy’s a big strong conquerer, isn’t he?”
Lenny didn’t reply… he just kept looking at where I had just sprayed, whimpering.
As I went to throw away the empty can, I thought “I wonder if he knows something I don’t?”
Moments later, I glanced out the window to see 3 or 4 bees buzzing around the window. I went to the window to take a look and saw a few more… well, hundreds more.
They were EVERYWHERE… and mad.
I made two phone calls: one to Orkin and one to Natalie to tell her I did a dumb thing and to be careful when she comes home.
When she got back, it was like trying to time the search lights in a war zone. She pulled into the unattached garage, lowered the big door and waited at the side door until we both felt the coast was clear. I motioned for her to make a run for it and held the door open as she sprinted into the house and I shut the door behind her.
The bees calmed down after about 40 minutes but since the issue hasn’t yet been resolved, this story is incomplete.
To be continued…