Sleepin on the couch

In my six years of experience as a married man, I’ve said some pretty stupid things to my wife… things that should never have been said. I’ve also heard some of my friends say some pretty stupid things to their wives as well. The following is a small collection of these things:

Things I’ve said:

“Let me show you how it’s done.” – Something disastrous always follows.

“What could possibly happen?” – ditto.

“I don’t need a nut-cracker” – Never try to open a walnut with a pair of pliars. I was picking nut shrapnel off the kitchen floor for weeks.

“Oh… did you want some?” – Usually follows the last sip taken from our “shared” can of Coke.

“…you with your Godzilla fingers…” – She was teaching friends to play a civilizations game and accidentally knocked over the little peices and tore through the tiles with her fingernail… I’ve never lived it down.

“Are you going to go out with your hair like that?” – this was said right as she came out from primping in the bathroom and thinking that her hair looked very cute.

“You want me to get the door?” – If I have to ask, it means her arms are full and mine aren’t.

“Oh yeah… didn’t I tell you?” – Normally said as we discover that I’ve double-booked us for things that are upcoming in fifteen minutes.

“Is the car alright?”” – This question should never should be asked under any circumstance.

“Is this your PMS week?” – ditto.

“That just goes to show you can’t be pretty AND smart.” – This was said to my wife at the mall as a bunch of stereo-typical ditzy, blonde, dolled-up high-schoolers giggled their way through the mall. My wife responded with, “Oh? Which am I?” I think we all know.

And the mother of all things to never say:

“I wish you knew everything that was in my mind so you wouldn’t have to talk…” – This was the worst possible response to a classic married couple dispute over directions but does require some explanation. We were going to some friends’ house for dinner, I was not using GPS and she was telling me each and every turn from the time we got out of the driveway… even the turns she knew that I already knew, to which I would respond, “I KNOW!” The very last turn, she decided she didn’t need to tell me anymore directions so she kept silent and I missed the turn. It was at that time I made my statement. There was more afterwards that went something like, “…you could just tell me the things I don’t already know,” but she pretty much didn’t hear anything after, “so you wouldn’t have to talk.” Granted, it was said and received in jest but, Gentlemen, never say it. You’ll never live it down.

The following are statements contributed by friends:

“I don’t have to say ‘excuse me.’ I’m already in the bathroom.” – to which the wife responded with, “just because you say, ‘excuse me’ doesn’t give you permission to do that anytime you want.”

“I like big butts and I cannot lie…” – this was said to a friends wife as he pulled up from work and saw her bent over in the front yard attending the garden. She replied with, “do you like MY big butt?” At that point, he was caught in the classic trap of not being able to say “yes” or “no.”

“No, your face does.” – this was the worst possible reply a friend of mine gave his wife when she posed the classic question, “do these pants make me look fat?”

Ephesians says, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.” That being said, I’m pretty sure when Christ accepted the task of becoming a man for the sake of the church, He never asked the Father, “what could possibly happen?” …though in more ways than one, He has said to the church, “let me show you how it’s done.” As aforementioned, both resulted in Him taking one for the team.

The kid in me

When I was a kid, I asked my dad, “can I do anything I want to when I grow up?”

After giving it a little thought, he looked at me and said, “no, not really. When you grow up, you still have to follow all the laws and rules. There are actually a lot more rules and things you have to follow because life gets so much more complicated. Taxes, fees, dues, meetings, responsibilities… I wish I could say that life gets simpler, but it really doesn’t.”

My face fell and I dreaded growing up and becoming an adult because of all of the horrible things that lay in wait for me.

Now that I’m twenty-nine, there are those responsibilities that everyone has to put up with and reasonable laws by which everyone has to abide, but the answer to my original question is now apparent: yes, you can do anything you want when you grow up.

I wasn’t interested in driving on the sidewalks or burning down cities as a kid… that’s not what I was asking about. I pretty much just wanted to know if I could stay up late, eat popcorn for dinner and drink pop at lunch. I’m allowed to play video games and watch cartoons whenever I want… that’s about all I needed to know.

Sure, there’s that whole other non-frosted shredded wheat side of me that has to be a good example for younger generations, maintain a balance between work, family and spiritual growth and manage my money, abilities, relationships and time…. but so long as I can eat ice cream or potatoe chips for dinner at 10:30pm every now and again, I’m good.